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Final 3: Results

Quick and dirty tonight. The Idolettes are singing “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,” which I think is what Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken sang to each other during the Season 2 finale, no? Syesha Mercado is wearing an ensemble from the “Eh, Fuck It” collection: A simple white tank top, jeans, and white sneakers. Even her hair is less sassy. She milks her solo parts for all they’re worth, though.

Recap! David Archuleta with his omnipresent outstretched Hand Across America; Syesha “standing there at number three in the competition,” in the prescient and disheartening words of Randy Jackson; David Cook doing a generally awesome job with Robert Flack. Round Two gave us Archuleta massacring Chris Brown, Syesha busting out one of those runway-only bejeweled Victoria’s Secret nighties; Cook being kind of off-key. Round three: Archuleta back in his wheelhouse with Fogelberg; Syesha being thrown off a cliff by Nigel Lythgoe; David Cook getting a full orchestra to back him up on that song about asteroids and love.

Fantasia is here, along with Manic Panic hair and a trio of gam-alicious back-up singers, to sing something, I don’t really know what. She rocks the place with her unabounded joy and passion and screaming, but the most she can wrangle out of Syesha is polite golf clapping. Heh. Back to Fantasia gyrating. This is a woman who ain’t concerned with pretty, and depending on where you fall, that’s either a very good thing or a very bad thing. Some random rapper (probably someone very famous whom I should recognize, were I up on my pop culture as a good little pop culture blogger should be) joins in. he backbeat on this song sounds kind of like M.I.A.’s “Boyz,” which equals instantaneous awesome. There’s a cut to Simon, who has the most dumbfounded expression on his face. Fanty is working on an album and is preparing to tour.

The Jordin Sparks stamp is available for purchase. What, you don’t care? Neither do I.

Ryan brings Archuleta out first, which is how you know he is safe. Oh, Lord, I forgot — this is the night of those insipid hometown visits. In his video, David tells us that he is “stoked and pumped,” but fails to mention “emotionally stunted.” David’s homecoming is attended almost exclusively by middle-school girls, just like you knew it would be. It’s hilarious. He cries, which is touching — to have huge crowds of people come out and support you? That has to be one of the most awesome feelings in the world for a performer. David’s adorable mom and crazy dad travel to his high school with him, where the mayor/stock evil villain declares it David Archuleta Day (or maybe he doesn’t; I’m actually just kind of assuming that happened). Ryan not at all ironically reminds David that’s okay to show human emotion in front of the masses. We run down the performances again, and Ryan asks David what his biggest obstacle was. David does not say “learning to make decisions on my own ever since Daddy was banned from the rehearsal room.” David’s Bad Day/Home/ montage is shown (those damn dolphins!), just in case he doesn’t make it to the finale.

For her hometown visit, Syesha was ferreted back to Sarasota, Florida. And oh look, there’s that annoying guy from Tampa Bay Fox 13 who gives me a splitting headache after each week’s Idol broadcast. Syesha storms through the streets of Sarasota. Cops tell some lady to keep her filthy paws off Syesha. A county commissioner declares it Syesha Mercado Day, and Syesha too is overcome with tears. Her parents seem like nice, humble folks; how they managed to raise such a full-of-BS daughter I don’t know, but hey, maybe her affectation is limited to the stage and she’s a really awesome girl in real life. High school, helicopter rides, natural hair, a crappy performance of “Proud Mary” on a crappy audio system. In the back of her limo, she bawls like crazy, telling us that this is her dream and she’s living it. It’s very, very touching. Syesha, honey, when you speak honestly like that, it’s incredibly refreshing. You don’t need the fakety-fake smiles, the political pandering, the shimmy shimmy shakes — you don’t need all that crap. Just be yourself. Syesha refuses to say that Paula was too hard on her, but Simon says it for her. We get Syesha’s reel, and they flashback to her “Imagine” performance and that gorgeous green BCBG dress (side note — I tried that very dress on today, and it looked sensational, but alas, I didn’t have $400 to plunk down on it).

David Cook came to support his little brother, but producers apparently forced him to audition, which is really weird. The brother comes onstage, looks really uncomfortable, and sits back down again. Hometown time — David Cook also gets a huge reception. At least everyone’s turnout was pretty equal this time; I don’t seem to remember Melinda inspiring that big of a crowd last year, and we don’t even really need to mention a certain L.A. competitor’s pathetic turnout. Cook is the third Idolette to tear up, although they are Manly Tears. The judges have nothing new to add during the recap. Oh, I’d forgotten that David had some obnoxious colors going on in his hair when he first started this whole dog-and-pony show.

And now, the completely unsurprising results. Paula tells the three that “the world will remember every single one of them,” which is a lie. Simon says that he likes the three contestants, and that if he gets the final he’s hoping for, the finale will be “a real hum-dinger.” Okay, when did Simon Cowell become my dad? Anyway. The final two are: David Archuleta (ugh) (and Dadchuleta, you can stop acting like this is all about you any time now) and David Cook. Cook looks numb. Syesha, to her credit, is still smiling, and instead of trying to sound like a Foreign Affairs editor, gives us a simple “thank you.” Aw, Syesha. Sometimes I really liked you, sometimes I hated your bland affectations, but I think we can all agree that you got one hell of a raw deal last night. I look forward to seeing you claw your way to the top, and I wouldn’t object one iota if you managed to take out McPhee along the way.


June 2018
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What the kids are sayin’

"I hate them all. The judges, TPTB, the blatant manipulation, the songs, the contestants, everything. I'm a die-hard Cook fan, but for the love of god, at least try to look like you're enjoying yourself up there! Please? Syesha was awesome but she ruined it by being completely shameless and disgusting. Yes, being on American Idol is exactly like the civil rights movement, except for the part where you're fighting to make the world a better place."

"All I can say after the disgusting display tonight of favoritism towards the mediocrity that is David A. - good luck trying to market and make money off of that kid, American Idol. (Not to mention good luck dealing with his father.) All the teeny boppers may buy up his American Idol coronation single, but they will quickly forget about him before the album comes out. And I shudder to think of a David A. album - song after song of unrelenting sameness and heavy breathing. Why they are pimping him for the win is beyond me."

"This show was simply a hot buttered mess tonight. And Jason "needs to be arrested for what he did to I Shot the Sheriff. But I hope he stays. He amuses me. "