American Idol Auditions 7: San Antonio

Oh, thank GOD. We’re done. Well…okay, I know tomorrow is that Rest of the Best (and, apparently, the Worst of the Worst) special. But I’ll probably only take note of people who have made it to the Top 24.

We’ll start off with Haley Scarnato, who’s been singing 4eva, and who decided to wear a backless one-piece jumpsuit that she bought at a “hoochie store.” Simon is show reacting to her salaciously, but it’s done in such a way that it could completely be creative editing. Anyway, she sings, and she’s good, and her voice is pretty, but it’s also nondistinct and boring as shit. Simon and Ryan call her out on not being unique enough, but she’s passed through anyway, and word is that she’s made the Top 24. I say she’s gone faster than you can say “Heather Cox.”

Jasmine Holland sports a rather painful-looking camel toe and sings a song in a strange gurgling voice. When she’s denied, her purported shyness transforms into mouthiness. Shocking, isn’t it? No, not really. Outside, her family disses the judges to Ryan, who responds “you know, those are my friends. Well…two of them.” Oh snap, Ryan!

Adorable little Baylie Brown hails from the tiny town of Krum, Texas. She lives on a farm or a ranch or something, but the theme here is that unlike Kellie Pickler, who ran with the bumpkin shtick, Baylie is a big-city girl stuck in a small town. What evidence is presented to support Baylie’s contentions? Why…she likes to wear high heels! In the barn! Man, they are scratching the bottom of the barrel for backstories these days. Anyway, she’s aight, but she doesn’t really sound like she’s singing more than she’s speaking rhythmically. Also, her twang is very forced and affected. Simon tells her that her voice isn’t the best, but that she’s a marketer’s dream because she’s “commercial with a capital C.” And she goes through. They’re…not even trying to pretend this is a talent show anymore, are they?

The OTHER DOOR comes back, and yeah, it’s so obviously set-up, but it’s funny.

The cousins — Akron Watson and “The Hulk” — kind of crack me up, even if they really seriously need to get jobs. The Hulk (who I suspect was there supporting his cousin) sings a snooze-inducing version of “Amazing Grace.” He takes his rejection just fine, but gets a bit of the devil in him when he hits the door, and tells the judges that he’ll have to flip out at them “for the cameras.” So when he opens the door, he starts screaming at them wildly. The three of them crack up, but Akron, who apparently thinks this is all real, looks scared shitless. The funny thing is that he can actually kind of sing. His “A Change is Gonna Come” is nowhere near Taylor’s, and after the judges tell him that he’s boring, he launches “Let’s Get it On” and sings it rather flatly. Nevertheless, he’s passed through, to the delight of his cool cousin, who still needs to get a job. (It also looks like Akron was later disqualified for legal reasons.)

Sandie Chavez says she’s bluesy and soulful and has sung for the mayor of Houston, but her “Black Velvet” is gurgly and unintelligible. The judges snicker throughout her entire performance, and when they launch into their actual critique, she bursts into tears. Yes, she was awful, but it goes on for a lot longer than it needs to.

Petite Ashylnn Carr is gorgeous and sings “Feeling Good” beautifully, with a very old-school scratchy soul quality to her voice. I just love singers like this. Yes, she is a bit Broadway with her facial expressions, but since when did facial expressions matter in this competition? Taylor Hicks, for all I love him, looked like he was taking a dump half the time, and he still won. The judges tell her that she’s lovely and unique, but Randy and Paula pass on her. As she walks out, Simon says he would have said yes. The judges pow-wow and then decide to bring Ashley back for a second try. She sings “Unforgettable,” and tones down the expressions, but they’re still pretty pronounced. Simon, while fondling his man boobs, tells Ashlyn that she needs to break her bad habits, suggests getting a good vocal coach, and sends her through. (Unfortunately for Ashlyn, she was arrested after her audition for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend’s gas tank. That’s a felony, so I doubt she’ll be going any further in the competition.) Maybe Idol will do a little montage of news clips about it, and show her leaving a la Derrell and Terrell to the tune of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Because if I’ve thought of it, the producers have thought of it.

Jake the Snake looks like the love child of Kevin Federline and the Bush Baby. But he sings like…well, just some guy singing. Not spectacularly badly, but certainly not well. To bring up the rear, though, Jimmy McNeal gives us a nice, if unremarkable, rendition of “Cupid,” and sails through, with Simon calling him a “fun little Ruben.” Wow, I can’t beleive they actually mentioned Ruben on this show.


2 Responses to “American Idol Auditions 7: San Antonio”

  1. 1 OsirisShotDown February 7, 2007 at 11:16 am

    Goddammit. Why is that some of the people I really like, Ashlyn & Tommy Daniels, have to go and do stupid shit and get themselves disqualified? I would still love to hear more from both of them, even if it’s not on Idol.

  2. 2 Sunny February 7, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    I couldn’t believe Paula and Randy’s responses, I thought Ashlynn was really good. Found the realtytv article too. Shame.

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February 2007
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What the kids are sayin’

"I hate them all. The judges, TPTB, the blatant manipulation, the songs, the contestants, everything. I'm a die-hard Cook fan, but for the love of god, at least try to look like you're enjoying yourself up there! Please? Syesha was awesome but she ruined it by being completely shameless and disgusting. Yes, being on American Idol is exactly like the civil rights movement, except for the part where you're fighting to make the world a better place."

"All I can say after the disgusting display tonight of favoritism towards the mediocrity that is David A. - good luck trying to market and make money off of that kid, American Idol. (Not to mention good luck dealing with his father.) All the teeny boppers may buy up his American Idol coronation single, but they will quickly forget about him before the album comes out. And I shudder to think of a David A. album - song after song of unrelenting sameness and heavy breathing. Why they are pimping him for the win is beyond me."

"This show was simply a hot buttered mess tonight. And Jason "needs to be arrested for what he did to I Shot the Sheriff. But I hope he stays. He amuses me. "

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