American Idol, Auditions 2: Seattle

Tonight’s recap will employ a ratings system. No stars, no letter grades, no thumbs up or down; contestants will be judged on how many beagle puppies they sadden.

Oh, and it should be noted–I got most of these pictures from the contestants’ personal webpages. And if they actually have personal webpages at this stage in the game, it’s likely they’re not Top 24.

So the show gets off on the right foot, though, by bringing back my most favorite terrible auditioner — Brandon “I Shot the Sheriff” Groves. Remember him from last year? Nothing but the chorus, over and over, in full deputy regalia. This year he’s dressed as Uncle Sam and butchering “God Bless America”…badly. I still love him, though, and I think my dog would like him. No beagle puppies were saddened during this performance.

Jennifer “The Hotness” Chapton claims to sound like Mariah Carey, which of course means that she does not. She walks in with a wad of gum in her mouth, and Simon tells her to stick it on Taylor’s face. Aww, poor Simon…he just can’t let it go. Anyway, The Hotness gets rejected and immediately launches into the typical “your opinion doesn’t matter/you can’t sing” sass-and-ass lecture that immediately defines her as a plant. She’s also scary as shit. Three beagle puppies were saddened by her performance.

Do we really have to talk about Darwin Mischa Reedy and her gravity-victimized anatomy? No? Good.

Twenty-eight minutes in, Seattle awards its first golden ticket to Tommy Daniels. Interesting fashion sense, even if the hair is a little too Guarini for my tastes. Anyway, Tommy’s got great taste in music (“Arms of a Woman” by Amos Lee) and a wonderful voice to match–very soothing and John Legend-y. He’s also, erm, confident. Unfortunately for him, the only thing that America hates more than a cocky sonofabitch is a cocky sonofabitch who can actually sing. This may not bode well for him down the road. ETA: TMZ uncovered two prior arrests for Mr. Daniels — a 2004 DUI (that resulted in conviction) and a 2005 for a hit-and-run where he failed to appear for his court date. Daniels calls it “young and dumb.” I call it “I knew he was a cocky sonofabitch. NEXT!”

Blake LewisSauntering in comes Blake Lewis with his Hollister-model wardrobe and his dated hairstyle and his Timberlaking. I hate him already. He doesn’t sing nearly as well as he beatboxes. Very boy-bandy, very nasal, very whiny. The tweens (who are already up in arms over at accusing Sarah Krueger of ripping off Katharine McPhee’s version of “Over the Rainbow,” despite the fact that McPhee ripped off Jane Monheit’s version) will love him. Paula is practically pissing herself over him, and naturally he is put through to Hollywood. Despite that unfortunate turn of events, two beagle puppies were extremely saddened by his Backstreeting.

Shyamali MalakarThe fetal Malakar siblings are just adorable. Adorable. And thankfully, they audition separately. Sister Shyamali turns in a lovely and understated (if a bit uninspired) “Summertime.” I like her. She’s subtly good, in a Norah Jones-ish way, right down to her Ravi Shankar-like musician father. (Too bad Norah Jones probably won’t carry her far in this contest.) Simon isn’t crazy about her, but she goes through. Her younger brother Sanjaya does a little Stevie; I don’t think he’s as good (he’s a little under the pitch in places), but the judges seem to like him more than his sister, and he goes through as well.

Nick Zitzmann is an obvious shill. Two puppies are saddened, but moreso because the producers still think they can pass this shit off as legitimate.

Kissing up to the judges never hurts, which is undoubtedly what Rudy Cardenas had in mind when he pulled out a little “Open Arms” by Journey. (Who was it that played bass for them again? I can’t remember…) I don’t think he’s all that and a bag of chips (too nasal for my tastes), but Paula is ready to Corey Clark him, and he goes through with her and Randy’s approval. He’s followed shortly thereafter by Eric Chapman, who actually does really look like Taylor Hicks, the one distinguishing characteristic being that Taylor Hicks is a phenomenal singer, and Eric Chapman really sucks. I’m momentarily distracted from my television, but when I look back, Eric’s being escorted out by security. Seems as though he pulled a no-no and tried to touch Simon. Hmm. Four beagle puppies were left heartbroken over the mere suggestion that this man could in any way be equated with Taylor.

Jordin SparksAnna Kearns is 6’7″, gorgeous, and rockin’ the sexy secretary look with a decolletage-baring white button-down and black pencil skirt. Now that’s classy. She turns in a somewhat rough “Respect,” but gets her golden ticket. I like her, though I don’t think she displayed enough vocal control to move much further. She’s followed by sixteen-year-old Jordin Sparks, who tackles Celine Dion effortlessly and sails through to the next round. Oh, look — Jordin is already friendly with Simon and Randy. And the much-ballyhooed Seattle auditions come to an end when a dude nicknamed Big Red slaughters BoRhap, and not in a good way, either. A lone beagle puppy whimpers.


3 Responses to “American Idol, Auditions 2: Seattle”

  1. 1 Em January 17, 2007 at 11:52 pm

    Tommy Daniels was my favorite because he seemed to just sing the song. No gimmicks or over-working it. Of course, who knows how accurate the portrayal we saw was. Ah, editing. And the saddened beagle puppies made me laugh out loud.

  2. 2 Osiris Shot Down January 19, 2007 at 12:26 pm

    Dammit. Why, oh why, did Tommy do that stupid shit? So far, he’s been my favorite out of the contestants we’ve seen. I absolutely love his voice and the song choice was great and not something we’ve heard on AI auditions a bazillion times (I’m looking at you, “Isn’t She Lovely?”).


  3. 3 idolicious January 19, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    He was actually my favorite so far, too, although I didn’t really care much for his attitude. I thought maybe he was just edited to come off as a slight jackass, but the whole FTA kind of supports the cocky sonofabitch theory.

    Oh well. When it comes right down to it, I think I liked his song choice more than his actualy singing, anyway.

Comments are currently closed.

January 2007
« Dec   Feb »

What the kids are sayin’

"I hate them all. The judges, TPTB, the blatant manipulation, the songs, the contestants, everything. I'm a die-hard Cook fan, but for the love of god, at least try to look like you're enjoying yourself up there! Please? Syesha was awesome but she ruined it by being completely shameless and disgusting. Yes, being on American Idol is exactly like the civil rights movement, except for the part where you're fighting to make the world a better place."

"All I can say after the disgusting display tonight of favoritism towards the mediocrity that is David A. - good luck trying to market and make money off of that kid, American Idol. (Not to mention good luck dealing with his father.) All the teeny boppers may buy up his American Idol coronation single, but they will quickly forget about him before the album comes out. And I shudder to think of a David A. album - song after song of unrelenting sameness and heavy breathing. Why they are pimping him for the win is beyond me."

"This show was simply a hot buttered mess tonight. And Jason "needs to be arrested for what he did to I Shot the Sheriff. But I hope he stays. He amuses me. "

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