Shake it up, baby.

From Monsters and Critics (yes, it really does say “defiantly;” I don’t know if it was meant to say “definitely” or not):

What I’ve been able to learn is that [Katharine] McPhee was known for her old school rendition of “Over the Rainbow.” Those expecting something along those lines on this album will be disappointed…The album starts off with the bouncy “Love Story,” continues with the typical break up song “Over It.” The next track is downright silly and called “Open Toes.” … “Home” is the next track and is more of a power ballad and is the first song that captured my attention. McPhee is a hottie (see the provocative picture on the album cover) and is very talented. I liked her voice, but I thought most of the songs didn’t really differentiate her from the current crop of Britneys. Her debut is not bad, but it just seems like more of the same bugglegum. Whatever the case, her fans will defiantly love it.

From Rolling Stone:

…You could imagine McPhee following Kelly Clarkson’s lead and doing big-ass pop that makes both Middle America and big-city types happy. But McPhee’s debut doesn’t render her halfway interesting. The album’s twenty-two songwriters mostly avoid schlock but can’t come up with an alternative, which makes ballads like “Better Off Alone” and tepid, McPhunky dance pop such as “Do What You Do” just bland. The upbeat “Love Story” and the decent ballad “Everywhere I Go” mix pop and R&B and provide some relief, but most of Katharine McPhee is politics as usual. (two and a half out of five stars)

From The Richmond Times-Dispatch:

She’s luminous and vocally gifted. So why does Katharine McPhee look like she just finished the late shift at the Golden Nugget in Vegas on the album’s cover and sound like a cut-rate Jessica Simpson on her 12-song debut?…Sure, it will blend seamlessly with the rest of the unsophisticated sound-alikes on Top 40 so some might call that success but someone with such a supple voice deserves better than this Kool-Aid. “Not Ur Girl” is the only track with a little meat behind it….But for the love of Simon Cowell, who allowed something as stupid, drippy and embarrassing as “Open Toes” on a record vying for respectability? (two stars)

Movin’ on up.

Both Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee are causing some buzz in radio and CD land this week. Hits Daily Double (and yes, I do want to hear the one about the Italian and the Polack) ranks Katharine as #1 on their Vibe Raters chart (factoring in all the press she received, even long before her album dropped), while Taylor’s single “Just To Feel That Way” is the #1 song for adds (meaning showing up on radio stations’ playlists) in Adult Contemporary. (If the link’s not working, go to hitsdailydouble.com, then click “media,” then click “mediabase add board” on the left-hand side). Well, congratulations to these two crazy kids.

Katharine McPhee hates the Constitution.

In a new interview with TV Guide, Katharine McPhee (depicted as a startled wax replica of herself, left) reveals her extreme paranoia and her disdain for your constitutional rights:

I think those Idol forums — like AmericanIdol.com — should be shut down. It’s basically just an opportunity for people to say the meanest things without consequence.

The first thought that popped into my mind was “what consequences does Katharine think there should be for saying mean things about her?” I mean, maybe she thinks we should all be forced to wear flat shoes or go out in public without hair extensions. Yeah, that’d hurt. The second thought, of course, was that Katharine obviously failed high school civics, or at least was too busy brushing her hair during the part where the teacher would have talked about the First Amendment and the long-settled right to criticize public figures. But eh. Katharine was also convinced that her record producers were gossipping about her in the studio:

The thing that was hard for me about the studio is that I love to talk. And I was so isolated in the booth. It was pitch-dark and quiet, and [the producers] would be outside talking and I’d be like, “Hello? Guys? What are you saying about me?” I would hope that my second record would be less of me judging me.

And gee, I thought “judging” — as in “she sounds good here, she could sound better here, let’s have her record this track again” — was an integral part of making sure you put out the best album possible.

Let’s break this snarkfest up with some Taylor news. Taylor will be at Laser’s Edge record store — Fred over there has been diligently keeping up with the processing orders, as Laser’s Edge is the only retailer that carries Under the Radar — on March 10 to meet some of his fans. I wonder if he’ll also perform there a bit; the store does have artists come in and perform every so often.

The Daily Egyptian also weighs in on Kat’s album:

It’s fitting that songstress Katharine McPhee was the runner up in the 2006 “American Idol” competition because most of her debut album is second rate at best. Mixing bits of pop melody, R&B bump and maudlin ballads, McPhee’s self-titled debut is a mixed bag of emphatic crooning and the most generic production and songwriting money can buy. Like “American Idol” itself, the album is mostly mediocre and cringe-inducing, but it’s sure to strike a chord with middle-aged Midwestern housewives, teens and music fans looking for a good chuckle…Worst of all, however, is the laughable “Open Toes” on which McPhee sings an ode to her favorite shoes. Her follow up album will surely contain salutes to her favorite lip-gloss and maybe- if we’re all lucky- a tune devoted to her lucky hairbrush. Much of the album’s remaining material sounds like Janet Jackson, circa 1995. The difference here, however, is that McPhee doesn’t have Jackson’s vocal prowess, gift for melody or ability to sell a hook. In fact, most of “Katharine McPhee” sounds like the generic B-side to a much better artist’s album.

American Idol Auditions 7: San Antonio

Oh, thank GOD. We’re done. Well…okay, I know tomorrow is that Rest of the Best (and, apparently, the Worst of the Worst) special. But I’ll probably only take note of people who have made it to the Top 24.

We’ll start off with Haley Scarnato, who’s been singing 4eva, and who decided to wear a backless one-piece jumpsuit that she bought at a “hoochie store.” Simon is show reacting to her salaciously, but it’s done in such a way that it could completely be creative editing. Anyway, she sings, and she’s good, and her voice is pretty, but it’s also nondistinct and boring as shit. Simon and Ryan call her out on not being unique enough, but she’s passed through anyway, and word is that she’s made the Top 24. I say she’s gone faster than you can say “Heather Cox.”

Jasmine Holland sports a rather painful-looking camel toe and sings a song in a strange gurgling voice. When she’s denied, her purported shyness transforms into mouthiness. Shocking, isn’t it? No, not really. Outside, her family disses the judges to Ryan, who responds “you know, those are my friends. Well…two of them.” Oh snap, Ryan!

Adorable little Baylie Brown hails from the tiny town of Krum, Texas. She lives on a farm or a ranch or something, but the theme here is that unlike Kellie Pickler, who ran with the bumpkin shtick, Baylie is a big-city girl stuck in a small town. What evidence is presented to support Baylie’s contentions? Why…she likes to wear high heels! In the barn! Man, they are scratching the bottom of the barrel for backstories these days. Anyway, she’s aight, but she doesn’t really sound like she’s singing more than she’s speaking rhythmically. Also, her twang is very forced and affected. Simon tells her that her voice isn’t the best, but that she’s a marketer’s dream because she’s “commercial with a capital C.” And she goes through. They’re…not even trying to pretend this is a talent show anymore, are they?

The OTHER DOOR comes back, and yeah, it’s so obviously set-up, but it’s funny.

The cousins — Akron Watson and “The Hulk” — kind of crack me up, even if they really seriously need to get jobs. The Hulk (who I suspect was there supporting his cousin) sings a snooze-inducing version of “Amazing Grace.” He takes his rejection just fine, but gets a bit of the devil in him when he hits the door, and tells the judges that he’ll have to flip out at them “for the cameras.” So when he opens the door, he starts screaming at them wildly. The three of them crack up, but Akron, who apparently thinks this is all real, looks scared shitless. The funny thing is that he can actually kind of sing. His “A Change is Gonna Come” is nowhere near Taylor’s, and after the judges tell him that he’s boring, he launches “Let’s Get it On” and sings it rather flatly. Nevertheless, he’s passed through, to the delight of his cool cousin, who still needs to get a job. (It also looks like Akron was later disqualified for legal reasons.)

Sandie Chavez says she’s bluesy and soulful and has sung for the mayor of Houston, but her “Black Velvet” is gurgly and unintelligible. The judges snicker throughout her entire performance, and when they launch into their actual critique, she bursts into tears. Yes, she was awful, but it goes on for a lot longer than it needs to.

Petite Ashylnn Carr is gorgeous and sings “Feeling Good” beautifully, with a very old-school scratchy soul quality to her voice. I just love singers like this. Yes, she is a bit Broadway with her facial expressions, but since when did facial expressions matter in this competition? Taylor Hicks, for all I love him, looked like he was taking a dump half the time, and he still won. The judges tell her that she’s lovely and unique, but Randy and Paula pass on her. As she walks out, Simon says he would have said yes. The judges pow-wow and then decide to bring Ashley back for a second try. She sings “Unforgettable,” and tones down the expressions, but they’re still pretty pronounced. Simon, while fondling his man boobs, tells Ashlyn that she needs to break her bad habits, suggests getting a good vocal coach, and sends her through. (Unfortunately for Ashlyn, she was arrested after her audition for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend’s gas tank. That’s a felony, so I doubt she’ll be going any further in the competition.) Maybe Idol will do a little montage of news clips about it, and show her leaving a la Derrell and Terrell to the tune of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Because if I’ve thought of it, the producers have thought of it.

Jake the Snake looks like the love child of Kevin Federline and the Bush Baby. But he sings like…well, just some guy singing. Not spectacularly badly, but certainly not well. To bring up the rear, though, Jimmy McNeal gives us a nice, if unremarkable, rendition of “Cupid,” and sails through, with Simon calling him a “fun little Ruben.” Wow, I can’t beleive they actually mentioned Ruben on this show.